Naked Man in a Trench Coat
by Alexa Donaghy
Summary: Vile Malfoy: Cousin to Draco Malfoy, Werewolf, and Slytherin to the very core. The staff and students of Hogwarts had better run while they can. OOPS! Too late! Hogwarts, prepare to be Vile-ated! R&R please! ^_^
1. On to Hogwarts

**A/N:  **This is just a crazy idea that came to me.  And I had to write it.  I already have the plotline all mapped out.  *Gasp*  Caytin's Rice Krispies induced good mood must be rubbing off on me.  And plus, Slytherin side of me wanted to write something for a change.  And I use theme songs for each chapter.  The song for this chappy is "Superstar II" by Saliva, although I modified it just a little.  ^_^   The song *so* completely describes Vile and all Slytherins.

**Rating:  **R, for language, future sexual content and situations, and upcoming violence.

**Pairings:  **Will be Ron/Draco and OFC/Remus.  Yes, this *will* contain slash, or boy-boy love.  If that doesn't float your boat, you don't have to read this.

**Disclaimer:**  The plot belongs to me, as do Vile Malfoy and Fenrer.  (Although the name Fenrer comes from Teutonic mythology.)  Everything else belongs to J.K.  The werewolf concept belongs to the creators of the show, Big Wolf on Campus.

_Superstar II  (Modified) by Saliva_

_Been floating around up here on Cloud 11  
I did my best to make it to 27  
Open up my eyes and I can see the glory  
Now I'm alive and I'm gonna tell the story  
Now I'm a superstar in the making  
I ain't fucking around and there ain't no mistaking  
I never ask for something worth the taking  
Cause I'm a superstar, baby  
No crying-ass bitching about my husband or boyfriend  
Cause in my life I can't have either one  
No crying-ass bitching about my evil parents  
They did their best to raise their only daughter  
Now I'm a superstar in the making  
I ain't fucking around and there ain't no mistaking  
I never ask for something worth the taking  
Cause I'm a superstar, baby  
I'm on the rise  
I'm feeling fine  
BOOM  
Here come the real motherfuckers from the south  
Now I'm a superstar in the making  
I ain't fucking around and there ain't no mistaking  
I never ask for something worth the taking  
Cause I'm a superstar, baby_

**Chapter 1:  On to Hogwarts**

"Well, here goes nothing," said a very gothic-looking witch as she ran onto Platform 9 ¾. 

            Everyone who looked in her direction saw a strange-looking girl who appeared to be somewhere in her teens.  She was 5'2" and had a perfect hourglass figure.  As short as she was, she was all legs.  She was wearing her waist-length platinum blonde hair in dreadlocks, and every other dread was dyed bright pink.  She wore a pair of gunmetal silver leather pants, a tight low-cut black halter top that had "KORN" written across the chest in blood red letters, black and red striped fingerless gloves that went past her elbows and black combat boots laced with Gothic Hello Kitty shoelaces.

            She surveyed the area with her deep mercury eyes, as if she were looking for something… or someone.

            She found what she was looking for, and stalked over.

            She spat out his name in an icy tone… "Draco Malfoy."

            Draco spun around and saw the witch standing behind him, recognition forming in his eyes.

            " Well, if it isn't my *sweet* cousin, Vile Lucifera Malfoy," he replied in an equally cold tone.

            They stared at each other maliciously for a few seconds before amusement began to creep into their identically pewter eyes.  Before long they both broke into genuine smiles and hysterical laughter, scaring everyone on the platform.

            Draco crushed his cousin in a hug and said, "Vile, what are you doing here?  I thought you started school in August!"

            "Well, Mom and Dad decided to move to Britain.  Something about politics going all to hell in America.  I tried to tell them that things aren't much better in Britain.  But they just refuse to believe that your Fudge can be worse than Boy George, as I have so lovingly nicknamed our President," she replied as they got on the train.

            "Another reason why I didn't want to come here is you Europeans and your pansy-ass way of playing Quidditch," she added.

            "What's wrong with the way we play Quidditch?" Draco asked, confused.

            "Well, you play with only two Bludgers, one Snitch that is out the *entire* game, and you ride the damn broomstick like it's a horse.  Plus, you have no half-time show, or a half-time at all, *and* you have no cheerleaders.  Although cheerleaders *would* mean more competition for me…." she explained.

            "So how are we supposed to play?" Draco asked.

            "Well you're supposed to have five Bludgers and three Snitches, which aren't released until after half-time.  And you have to catch all three Snitches," she began.

            "But that would take forever!" he complained, looking at Vile as if she were crazy.

            "Wait, let me finish.  All the players are allowed to catch the Snitches, not just the Seekers.  Each Snitch is worth one hundred points.  And American Snitches are five times as hard to catch as European Snitches.  Also, you ride the broomstick standing up, like you're surfing," she continued.

            "What's surfing?" Draco asked.

            "You remember that summer when you went with us to South Padre Island and we rode the waves on those board things?" she said.

            "Yeah… that was hella fun!" he explained.

            "Well that was surfing," she replied.

            "Ohhhh…" he said, remembering.

            "I'm starving.  Need… sugar… Don't y'all have food somewhere on this train?" Vile asked, clutching her stomach.

            Draco nodded in agreement and said, "The trolley witch should be coming around soon."

            "Oh guess what!" Vile then exclaimed, pulling a tiny box out of her pocket, which she laid on the floor, and muttered a spell to return it to its normal size, revealing that it was a cage.

            "What the hell is that?" Draco asked, moving away.

            Vile laughed and opened the door of the cage.

            "I got a familiar!" she said with a smile.

            Draco's mouth dropped as he saw the most magnificent animal to ever grace his presence.

            "His name is Fenrer," Vile said as she scratched Fenrer behind his ears.

            Fenrer was a large and beautiful wolf with a coat of pure silver and large golden eyes.

            "Well it's fitting that a wolf would be your familiar," he replied.  "You know, our Defense Against the Dark Arts professor suffers from Lycanthropy as well."

            "Suffers?" Vile looked up and asked.

            "He still transforms with the Lunar Cycle.  You can tell that it's really taking its toll on him," Draco explained.

            Vile looked shocked and it seemed that even the Ice Queen felt sympathy for the fellow Werewolf.

            "Gods that must be hell on him.  I don't know how he deals with it.  I can't even remember what it was like.  I started training years ago to control the transformations," she reminisced.

            "Yeah…" Draco said, looking at the compartment door.  "Hey look, the trolley witch is here."

            "OOOOH!!!  CHOCOLATE!" Vile screamed and jumped up.

            So they bought mass quantities of chocolate frogs and a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.

            "I dare you to eat a vomit flavored one," Vile said as she devoured her first Frog of many, and tossed the Bertie's box to Draco.

            "Only if you eat two bogie flavored ones," he replied.

            "Bastard!" she yelled and walked across the compartment to grab the beans.

            Draco grinned.  

"So, Uncle Lucius told Mom and Dad that you're Head Boy this year," she said, struggling to eat the candy.

            "Ha, yeah.  The Head Girl is Mudblood, though.  Member of the Dream Team, Gryffindor Brain, and best friend to the Boy Who Lived extraordinaire," Draco replied, his voice dripping with disgust.

            "She sounds positively annoying," Vile said with a smirk, now determined to turn the Dream Team and all of Hogwarts into her realm.

            Hogwarts was now her new amusement park.

**A/N:  **I *promise* that it will get better… R&R please!  ^_^


	2. School Sucks!

**A/N:  **This is fun!  I'm really starting to like Vile… she sounds like someone I would definitely be friends with.  I wish I had a scanner because Caytin drew an awesome pic of her!  It's hanging on her bedroom-at-my-house wall right now.  Oh well, we'll find a way to get it up on Through the Mirror eventually.  Theme song:  Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2, by Pink Floyd.  

**Disclaimer:**  Alls I can claim is Vile Malfoy, Fenrer, and the plot.  Next chapter I get to claim a one-chappy character though!  Whoo hoo!  (And he's yummy too…)

_Another Brick in the Wall Part 2, by Pink Floyd_
    
    _We don't need no education_
    
    _We don't need no thought control_
    
    _No dark sarcasm in the classroom_
    
    _Teacher, leave those kids alone_
    
    _Hey, Teacher, leave those kids alone!_
    
    _All in all it's just another brick in the wall_
    
    _All in all you're just another brick in the wall_
    
    _We don't need no education_
    
    _We don't need no thought control_
    
    _No dark sarcasm in the classroom_
    
    _Teachers, leave those kids alone_
    
    _Hey, Teacher, leave those kids alone!_
    
    _All in all you're just another brick in the wall_

_All in all you're just another brick in the wall_

**Chapter 2:  School Sucks**

            Vile walked into the hall with Draco.  She had slipped her black Hogwarts robe on before the train arrived, but left it unbuttoned.  She looked up and saw the first years filing in.

            Professor Dumbledore stood up and said, "We have a new student that I would like to sort before the first years.  Vile Malfoy, please come to the front of the hall."

            Ron Weasley leaned over to his best friend, Harry Potter, and said, "Oh shit, there's *another* one?"

            Ron looked up and saw the strange witch from Platform 9 ¾ walking up the aisle, closely followed by a large, menacing silver wolf.

            "Vile is joining us in her seventh year, from The Merlin Academy For All Things Magical in America.  I hope that you will welcome her to Hogwarts, no matter what house she is placed in," Dumbledore continued.

            With that McGonagall started walking in Vile's direction with the Sorting Hat.  However, she didn't make it to the latest addition of Malfoys to Hogwarts.  Halfway there the hat turned to face Vile and began yelling "Slytherin!" repeatedly.

            "Well then, um… I guess you would be in Slytherin then…" McGonagall remarked as Vile sauntered off to the Slytherin table.

            "Hey, no fair!  She's more evil than me!" Draco yelled and playfully slugged his cousin in the arm as she sat next to him.

            The Gryffindors were all looking at each other, muttering things like, "There's someone more evil than Draco Malfoy?!?"

            Meanwhile, at the Professor's table, Remus Lupin was stroking his chin thoughtfully.  His Lycanthropic senses were raging off the charts and had been ever since the Malfoy girl had entered the hall.  And she had a wolf as her familiar… Was it possible that there were now two werewolves at Hogwarts?

            Draco turned to his cousin and asked, "So Vile, what do you think of Hogwarts so far?"

            "Well Draco, you Brits play some pussy ass Quidditch, you have a hat that is in dire need of a bath, sings, and absolutely *has* to be homosexual, nobody is talking about anything even remotely interesting, no one is evil enough, and you headmaster looks like Santa Claus on the Subway diet.  To sum up, I am feeling no emotion whatsoever, and your little school needs to be Vile-ated," she replied.

            "My dear cousin, what will it take to melt that block of ice, knives, and sarcasm residing in your chest that you call a heart?" Draco asked with a smirk.

            "Only a naked man in a trench coat.  And what about you, sweet cousin?" she replied.

            "A redhead in a spiked dog collar and hot chocolate syrup," Draco said with a wistful smile.

            And all the Slytherins moved away from him there on the bench….

            "The redhead has to be a fox demon," he then added.

            And they all moved back…

            "First, I plan to start a Theatre Troupe.  And teach y'all how to play *real* Quidditch.  And start a cheerleading squad, so that I can make fun of them.  And a half-time show.  And…" Vile said.

            "Stop!" Draco yelled, putting up a hand.  "Oh mighty Ice Queen, you cannot hope to change the world, much less the minds of stubborn British wizards!"

            Vile looked over at him, raised her finger, and pointed it in her cousin's chest.

            "Draconis Lucius Malfoy!  How *dare* you suggest that I can't have things my way!  We are *Malfoys*, Draco.  We are Slytherins, *and* we are Veela.  We can have whatever the hell we want.  I'm going to use my assets to turn this school into something I can stand."

            "Uh huh… so sorry to doubt you, Your Majesty," Draco replied, rolling his eyes.

            "Oh don't be so down about it!  We're also going to play quite a lot of evil pranks, corrupt the Gryffindors, and get you your very own fox demon!" Vile said with an evil grin.

            "Now *that* I like," Draco said, fantasizing about evil Gryffindors and fox demons.  "Where are we going to find my fox demon?"

            Vile pointed to Ron Weasley.

            "Right over there.  At the Gryffindor table," she said, already planning the conquer.

            "No.  *Fuck* no.  That's the *Weasel*.  There's no way in hell I would want *him*, especially not in a spiked dog collar and hot chocolate syrup…" Draco replied, drifting off.

            Vile rolled her eyes and said "You don't look too convincing there, Draco."

            "I am *not* going to do *anything* with that limp dick," Draco said adamantly.

            We'll see," Vile replied sweetly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Vile woke up early the next morning.

            "Goddamn, what is wrong with me?  I'm waking up *early*… and… OH GODS!  I'm *chipper*!" she said with a shudder.

            She pulled on a pair of mint green pajama pants with puppies all over them, a pale pink t-shirt, her Hogwarts robes, and her Care Bears slippers.  She then braided her bright pink and blonde hair into pigtails and tied the braids off with blue and pink My Little Pony shoelaces.  As evil and Slytherin as she liked to think herself, she really liked little kid stuff… and pink.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            It was the first day of classes.  Looking at her schedule, she saw that she had Potions with Professor Snape first, the Defense Against the Dark Arts with Professor Lupin.  After that she had History of Magic with Professor Binns, and Care of Magical Creatures with Hagrid.

            She grabbed Draco and they went to the dungeons.

            "Uncle Sevvie!" yelled Vile, jumping on Professor Snape as she and Draco entered the Potions classroom.

            Severus was her father and Uncle Lucius' half-brother.

            "Oh great," Severus said, pushing her away.  "Now I have to deal with the *both* of you?"

            Vile looked up at her uncle, a huge grin plastered on her face.

            "Yes, you gotta babysit!" she said and plopped down next to Draco.

            Severus looked to the ceiling, praying to some unknown deity.

            "Please, *please*, just kill me now," he begged.

            Of course, Draco and Vile snickered evilly.

            Then the Gryffindor and Slytherin seventh-years witnessed something even more frightening than the Dark Lord himself:  Professor Snape *smiled*.

            "Today we will be working on Healing Potions.  I will place you into groups," Professor Snape announced as he strolled through the aisles.

            "Weasley and Malfoy… Draco Malfoy, that is.  Potter and the other Malfoy.  Granger and Thomas.  Finnegan and Longbottom," and so on and so on.

            "Oh, and try not to screw anything up," he added.

            "Hi, I'm Vile Malfoy," Vile said with a smile as she went over to Harry's table.

            Harry looked up at Vile, surprised that a Slytherin, and Draco Malfoy's cousin no less, was being civil, if not nice, towards him.

            "I'm Harry Potter," he replied, sticking out his hand.

            Vile shook it and said, "You look surprised."

            "Well, to tell you the truth, I wasn't expecting you to be nice to me.  I mean… you're a Slytherin, and a Malfoy.  I don't think Draco has ever had anything nice to say to me.  Plus, Pansy Parkinson was saying rather loudly at the Prefect's meeting this morning that you're an evil bitch," Harry replied nervously.

            Vile just laughed and said, "Yes I am *very* much a Slytherin.  And I am a Malfoy.  And I am pretty cold-hearted… but that doesn't mean that I'm a bitch.  I just don't feel emotions.  Except maybe anger… And don't worry about Dre-Dre.  He's just scared of Uncle Lucius."

            "Dre-Dre?" Harry asked, trying to hide a smirk as he dropped phoenix tears into the cauldron.

            Vile smiled and replied, "Yes.  Tell *everyone*.  And call him that from now.  It's really fun to see him all pissed off.  Heh… he made the mistake of telling me about the ferret incident back in y'all's fourth year, so I bought a tiny white ferret, named it Dre-Dre, and taught it to bounce.  He was *so* mad."

            She then looked towards Neville and Seamus' table, and saw a disaster waiting to strike.

            She screamed, "NOOOO!!!" and tackled Neville to the floor.

            Professor Snape walked over and asked, "Vile… *why* did you do that?"

            Vile sat up, making her seat on Neville's pudgy stomach.

            "Uncle Sevvie, he was about to put the newt's eyes in *before* the drops of dragon's blood!" Vile replied urgently.

            Shock came over Severus' face and he walked away muttering something like "bloody Longbottom" and "ten points from Gryffindor."

            Neville looked up at the girl sitting on his stomach and asked, "Um… can you please get off me now?"

            Vile pecked him on the nose and replied, "Nope.  You're comfy.  Will you be my teddy bear?"

            Neville blushed and managed to squeak a barely audible "yes" out.

            Snape grumbled, "Bloody girl has absolutely *no* taste in men."

            All the Slytherins were shocked that Vile was flirting with a Gryffindor, while all the Gryffindors were shocked that she was flirting with *Neville*, the resident dork.

            Vile merely giggled (yes, giggled) and said, "He's cute and fluffy.  Perfect teddy bear material.  I have a new friend!"

            Luckily, class ended before anymore insanity could ensue, and the Slytherins were off to Defense Against the Dark Arts with the Ravenclaws.

            Vile blew a kiss at both Neville *and* Harry before heading out the door.

            "Vile you're such a flirt," Draco said, rolling his eyes at her.

            "Smoldering temptress?" she asked, hopefully.

            "No, more like bright and bubbly…" he replied, recalling the Muggle movie, Moulin Rouge, which she had forced him to watch several times over.

             She looked up at him again, her disgust written all over her face, and asked, "I'm… bright and… b-b-bubbly?"

            Draco grinned maliciously and replied, "Yes."

            "Oh shit," she said, and was silent the rest of the way to Defense Against the Dark Arts.

            Vile was actually somewhat looking forward to DADA, because Draco had said that the professor was a werewolf.  She was glad for this; she didn't want Fenrer to be the only fellow wolf around.

            She sat all though class, anxious for the end.  *Finally*, Professor Lupin dismissed everyone.

            Vile walked up to his desk and said "Professor Lupin, may I have a word with you?"

            Remus looked at her with a surprised expression on his face and replied, "Sure.  What's on your mind Miss Malfoy?"

            "First of all, please call me Vile," she said.  "Second of all, Draco tells me that you are a werewolf, and that you still transform with the Lunar Cycle."

            The Professor looked at her, shocked, and asked, "You mean there's another way?"

            Vile smiled and replied, "Yes.  I was bitten a long time ago, and had the opportunity to train myself to control the transformation.  I can now transform at will.  It is no longer painful, nor does it take any energy out of me.  Plus, I'm able to keep my mind while I'm a wolf… as if I'm merely taking an Animagi form.  I'm able to control who and what I bite or kill.  I only transform when necessary for self-defense.  I wouldn't normally do this, but I am willing to help you, if you are willing to be helped."

             Remus was trying very hard to contain his excitement and said with barely a breath, "Oh, I'm willing."

            "Okay then.  I'm told that you used to go to the Shrieking Shack on the full moon?" she asked.

            "Yes.  No one else ever goes there," he replied.

            "Good.  Meet me there every Tuesday and Thursday night at eight o'clock," she said, and walked out the door.

            _//Oh dear gods…//  she thought once outside the door.  _//I just did a good deed… NOOOO!!!//__

            She then ran down the hall, screaming and pulling at her pigtails.

            Vincent Crabbe turned to Draco and asked, "What's up with her?"

            "Draco replied simply, "She did a good deed."

            The rest of the Slytherins looked very enlightened then and said, "Oooh… so *that's* what happens when someone does a good deed…"

            Draco laughed and said, "Nope, only Malfoys have that reaction.  It's as if we're allergic to it or something…"

            Blaise Zabini turned to Draco and asked, " She did a good deed?  Are you *sure* she's supposed to be in Slytherin?"

            Draco looked at Zabini as if he were crazy and replied, "Uhh… *yeah*… she's more evil than *I* am… Even the Sorting Hat was scared of her."

            And then Blaise put his foot in his mouth… literally.

**A/N:**  And now, the reviewer cookie.  (Yes that's singular… L)

_Caytin Lowe:  Ha, you better like it!  And I finally got a review from you.  In the ghetto… (I had to…)_


	3. Author's Note

**WARNING:  LONG LAMENTATION OF MY PAIN, WHICH EVENTUALLY INCLUDES AN *IMPORTANT* AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!**

And here it is.  Ok, this past Monday I had knee surgery.  I had an allergic reaction during, but the doctors got it under control, and I was kept under heavy supervision for a couple of days.  Yesterday, it was time to take the bandages off.  I thought my knee looked all big and fat because of the dressing… but noooo… that's my knee!  It's the size of a grapefruit!  It's all purple and five times the size of my other knee!  And it had some heat in it and my entire leg was swollen, so my mom called the doctor and he said he wanted me to come in.  So I went in to the doctor's office and they decided they wanted to drain some fluid.  Now, I have a *major* phobia of needles, and this involves two needles, one of which Caytin said was four inches long.  The doc had to stick the long one all the way in and move it around, which was *incredibly* painful.  He finally had to give up because he wasn't getting much fluid.  All the fluid and stuff was all clotted.  So he ordered me to stay in bed for the next few days, which I *hate*.  I'm having to treat Caytin and my mom like my maid because I'm only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom, and though it's just the next room over, walking that far on the crutches saps my strength.  I'm barely getting any sleep because the doctor prescribed Vicodin as my painkiller, and I have a tolerance towards it.  It doesn't faze me a bit.  And on a scale of 1-10, 1 being no pain, and 10 being the worst I've ever felt, I'm pretty much at a constant 25.  Anyway, my Muses have gone on vacation until I'm better.  Therefore, I doubt that I will be writing for the next week or so.  So I apologize in advance for the lack of updates for awhile.  And ya know… flooding my mailbox with the address bot@fanfiction.net and the subject "Review Alert!" would just make my day.  ^_^ 


	4. The First Vileation

**A/N:  **As promised, this chapter contains Draco smut.  ^_^  Sorry, but not with Ron yet.  The theme song is "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne.

**Disclaimer:**  I only own Vile Malfoy, Vile's familiar Fenrer, and the plot.  Rowling owns everything else.

Complicated, by Avril Lavigne 
    
    _Uh Huh_
    
    _Life's like this_
    
    _Uh Huh_
    
    _Uh Huh_
    
    _That's the way it is_
    
    _'Cause life's like this_
    
    _Uh Huh_
    
    _Uh Huh_
    
    _That's the way it is_
    
    _Chill out_
    
    _What you yellin' for?_
    
    _Lay back _
    
    _It's all been done before_
    
    _And if you could only let it be_
    
    _You will see_
    
    _I like you the way you are_
    
    _When we're drivin' in your car_
    
    _And you're talkin' to me one-on-one_
    
    _But you become_
    
    _Somebody else_
    
    _'Round everyone else_
    
    _Watchin' your back_
    
    _Like you can't relax_
    
    _You tryin' to be cool_
    
    _You look like a fool to me_
    
    _Tell me_
    
    _Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?_
    
    _I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else _
    
    _Getting me frustrated_
    
    _Life's like this you_
    
    _You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get_
    
    _And you turnin' into_
    
    _Honestly, you promised me_
    
    _I'm never gonna find you fake it_
    
    _No no no_
    
    _You come over unannounced_
    
    _Dressed up like you're somethin' else_
    
    _Where you are ain't where it's at you see_
    
    _You're makin' me_
    
    _Laugh out loud_
    
    _When you strike a pose_
    
    _Take off_
    
    _All your preppy clothes_
    
    _You know_
    
    _You're not foolin' anyone_
    
    _When you become_
    
    _Somebody else_
    
    _'Round everyone else_
    
    _Watchin' your back_
    
    _Like you can't relax_
    
    _You tryin' to be cool_
    
    _You look like a fool to me_
    
    _Tell me_
    
    _Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?_
    
    _I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else _
    
    _Getting me frustrated_
    
    _Life's like this you_
    
    _You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get_
    
    _And you turnin' into_
    
    _Honestly, you promised me_
    
    _I'm never gonna find you fake it_
    
    _No no no_
    
    _(no no no)_
    
    _No no_
    
    _(no no no)_
    
    _No no_
    
    _(no no no)_
    
    _No no_
    
    _Chill out_
    
    _What you yellin' for?_
    
    _Lay back _
    
    _It's all been done before_
    
    _And if you could only let it be_
    
    _You will see_
    
    _Somebody else_
    
    _'Round everyone else_
    
    _Watchin' your back_
    
    _Like you can't relax_
    
    _You tryin' to be cool_
    
    _You look like a fool to me_
    
    _Tell me_
    
    _Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?_
    
    _I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else _
    
    _Getting me frustrated_
    
    _Life's like this you_
    
    _You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get_
    
    _And you turnin' into_
    
    _Honestly, you promised me_
    
    _I'm never gonna find you fake it_
    
    _No no _
    
    _Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?_
    
    _(yeah yeah)_
    
    _I see the way you're actin' like you're somebody else _
    
    _Getting me frustrated_
    
    _Life's like this you_
    
    _You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get_
    
    _And you turnin' into_
    
    _Honestly, you promised me_
    
    _I'm never gonna find you fake it_
    
    _No no no_

Chapter 3:  The First Vile-ation 

            On Saturday morning, at the breakfast table, Vile looked over at Draco.

            "Dre-Dre, I've been noticing that you dress and act like a snob here.  What happened to the "Drake" that used to visit me every summer?" she asked.

            "'Drake' does not exist at Hogwarts.  Father would kill me if I didn't act the way he says a Malfoy should act," Draco replied.

            "Oh really?  So, what does he have to say about the formerly American branch of the family?" she inquired.

            Draco looked down to hide the guilt in his eyes and replied, "He says that Uncle Lucifer and Aunt Persephone are an embarrassment to the Malfoy name.  He also says that he can't believe Uncle Lucifer is actually his identical twin brother, and that he has corrupted you."

            Vile laughed and said, "Interesting.  Very interesting.  Well guess what, Draco?"

            Draco looked over at his cousin and asked, "What?"

            "Well, Draconis Lucius Malfoy, you will be turning eighteen years old soon, and at that time you will no longer be obligated to follow your father's rule.  So, I have arranged for the "Drake" I kknow to make an appearance at Hogwarts.  Hope your schedule is clear because we're taking a Portkey into The Woodlands," Vile replied.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Draco looked at the building in front of him.  A mall?  Vile expected to bring Drake back in a mall?

            Vile looked over at her cousin and noted his doubt.

            "First, we're going to Tangles.  It's a hair salon in the mall.  You'll be seeing Diego.  He's gay… a complete flamer.  They usually do the best on hair.  Then we're going to Hot Topic for your wardrobe," she said.

            "We're going to Hot Topic?!?" Draco asked, looking over at Vile excitedly.  "YES!"

            Vile burst into giggles.

            "Dude… you are so deprived."

            And so, the duo walked into the mall and made their way over to Tangles, which was on the first floor.

            "Hey Diego," Vile said as they walked into the shop.  "Draco here has an appointment for 10:00.  He'll want a trim.  And he wants his hair spiked, and the tips blue and green.  He wants the colors to alternate."

            Draco looked over at Vile, cocked his head, raised an eyebrow, and asked, "I do?"

            Vile nodded her head and replied, "You do."

            Draco shrugged his shoulders and said, "Okay."

            "Well printheth(1), let'th(2) get you looking yummy!  Get up in thith(3) chair, you beefcake you!" Diego said, in a very feminine voice, while dancing around and isolating his hand in the air.

            _//Hmmm…//_ Draco thought.  _//Vile wasn't lying when she said this guy was a complete flamer…//_

Diego draped a plastic cape around Draco's front and shoulders and then sprayed his hair with water.

            He then began trimming the ends of Draco's hair while dancing, wiggling his interestingly tight butt, and singing, "I'm thuper(4), thankth(5) for athking(6)!  Back dat ath(7) up!  Back dat ath up!  Uh huh!"

            Draco interrupted Diego's colorful song to as, "Let me guess.  You're a bottom?"

            Diego threw his hands up and said, "Ugh!  How dare you prethume(8) thuth(9) a thing!  I'm a theme(10), not a uke!"

            Vile ran up to Diego and screamed, "Drop the acceeeent!  You're giving me a headache!"

            Diego looked at her, shrugged his shoulders, and said in a deep, sexy, masculine voice, "Okay, whatev Vile."

            Draco popped his head around to look at the brunette gay obviously surfer, and asked, "You were faking that voice the whole time?"

            Diego smiled and replied, "Yeah.  So?"

            Draco smiled a very suggestive grin and said, "Well, I'm a uke," and winked.

            Vile just walked back to her seat and put her head in her hands.

            "Mmmm… sexy British bitch… exactly my type," Diego purred and disappeared into a small room to mix the dye for Draco's hair.

            Draco looked over at Vile and smiled.

            "Exactly *when* do we have to be back at Hogwarts?" he asked.

            Vile rolled her eyes and replied, "In that case, I'm gonna go find my boyfriend.  Meet me at Hot Topic in three hours.  That's more than enough time for you and Diego to get more… *familiar* with one another."

            Diego came back in, noticed the girl's absence, and asked, "Where did Vile go?"

            Draco grinned and replied, "She went to find Johnny.  I have to meet her at Hot Topic in three hours."

            Diego began applying color to Draco's hair and said, "Well, I guess I better hurry up with this dye then."

            Twenty minutes later, Draco's hair was spiked with blue and green tips.

            Diego swept up the extra hair, ripped Draco's cape off, and then released the closing gate to the salon, and the blinds.

            Draco subtly pulled out his wand and muttered a Silencing charm under his breath.  He doubted that this tall dark and handsome hairdresser was a wizard.__

_            //Draco, you are such a slut.//_ he thought to himself in anticipation.

            Diego sauntered over to the spot where Draco was standing, pushed him against the wall, cradled the blonde's head with his hands, and crushed his mouth with a searing kiss.

            Draco parted his mouth slightly to allow Diego's tongue entry, and let out a low moan as the other man nibbled and sucked lightly on his lower lip.

            _//Dear gods…//_ thought Draco as Diego pulled the "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" t-shirt, that he had borrowed from Vile, over his head.  _//I feel like I'm in one of those steamy Muggle porn movies.  I think I'll call it "House of Cock."  I wonder if this place has security cameras…//_

            Draco had learned from a number of Vile's friends that videotaping was always fun.

            Diego pushed Draco down into one of the chairs, said, "Let me show you a good time," and spun the chair around to face the other side of the room.

            He then put a CD in his stereo, and pushed "Play."

            _I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…_

The music rang through the shop as Diego removed his tight black t-shirt, revealing nicely toned muscles, a beautiful eight-pack, and a perfectly-hued tan.  The song continued until Diego was devoid of all clothing, except for a black silk thong.

            Diego grinned malevolently, walked over to the chair Draco was sitting in, bent down, and kissed him.

            Draco arched his back, trying to reach the older man better, and latched his arms around Diego's neck.

            The hairdresser pulled Draco to his feet and, as he explored Draco's mouth with his tongue, he pulled the blonde's jeans down.  Diego then pushed Draco back down in the chair and completely removed his pants, along with his socks and shoes.

            Draco stood back up and began frantically kissing Diego again.  Diego reached around and cupped Draco's buttocks in his hand, raising the younger man to his height.

            Draco broke the kiss and commenced to leaving a light trail of pecks along Diego's neckline, lingering at the collarbone, and continuing the trail until he had reached the other man's rock hard nipples.  Draco encircled each disk with the tip of his tongue and just barely nipped at them with his teeth.

            He continued the journey down, pausing to taste Diego's navel, until he was on his knees.  He then, ever-so-slowly, eased Diego's thong off, causing Diego to growl with anticipation.

            Draco then leaned his head over to one side and ran his tongue up and down Diego's shaft.  Diego tensed at this and threw his head back, eager for more.

            Draco smiled and slightly inserted his tongue into the tiny opening at the tip of Diego's cock, licking away the precum that was developing.  He then licked around the foreskin, continuing to tease the other man.

            Diego groaned and gripped Draco's head by his hair, but Draco stood up and grinned evilly.

            "Nuh uh," he said, wagging his finger seductively.  "You're not getting off that easily… pun not intended."

            Diego ripped Draco's boxers off, not caring about the torn fabric.  The boy could go without underwear until he got home.

            He then grabbed the jar of hair defrizzer off the counter behind him and walked around to stand behind Draco.

            He placed one hand on Draco's waist to steady him and dipped two fingers from his other hand into the hair goo.  He slipped those two fingers into Draco's entrance, moving them in and out, as Draco moaned with pleasure.

            He slipped his fingers out, turned Draco around to face him, and brought him to his knees.

            Draco coated Diego's staff with hair goo (which, luckily, was creamy instead of sticky) and lay down, bringing the other man with him.

            Diego spread Draco's legs and slowly entered him.  He kept his thrusts slow and gentle at first, but couldn't help picking up the pace a little.

            Draco couldn't complain about the speed or the harshness of Diego slamming against his cheeks.  There was one spot that Diego would hit with every thrust, and every time it was hit, it felt like another lighting bolt was being added to the ball of electricity building beneath his skin.

            Diego's thrusts were getting deeper and harder, and Draco had to reach for something to hang on to, something to clench as if he were holding on for dear life.  Because that was what it felt like… it felt as if his life depended on this ending in a spontaneous combustion.  Unfortunately, yelling and moaning weren't enough to hurry the explosion along.

            Finally, it was as if the ball of electricity had gotten so large, that his body could no longer contain it, and released all the pent-up energy with a cry, just as Diego sank into his arms.

            Diego struggled to raise his head and said, through labored breaths, "Hair cut and coloring are on the house."

            Draco smiled and replied, "Thanks," before falling asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Draco woke up two hours later and looked at his watch.

            "Oh shit!" he yelled.  "I'm supposed to be at Hot Topic in five minutes!"

            He looked over at Diego, who opened one and sleepily said, "Huh?"

            Draco rolled his eyes and replied, "I have to meet Vile at Hot Topic in five minutes," while grabbing his clothes and running to the bathroom.

            "You can get dressed out here, you know.  I've already seen it all," Diego said with a smirk.

            "Yeah, uh… but I need to pee.  And I figured I could go ahead and get dressed while I'm in the bathroom, and you can open the gate and the blinds, if you will.  Uh… yeah…" Draco replied and threw Diego a towel to clean up with.

            Draco needed privacy because he *really* wanted to perform a cleaning spell on himself, as his ass was covered in hair goop… and other stuff.  Plus, his boxers needed a mending spell.

            Once the spells were performed, Draco flushed the toilet for effect, got dressed, and walked out.

            Diego had already cleaned everything up and reopened the salon.

            _//I really hope no one else had appointments today…//_ Draco thought to himself.

            He stopped to place a quick peck on Diego's cheek before running out of the store.  He had to make it up to the second level in one and a half minutes.

            Luckily, he got to Hot Topic just as Vile walked up with her boyfriend.

            "Hey Johnny, hey Vile," he said with a smile.

            Vile looked her cousin up and down.  He was red-faced out of breath, and it looked as if he had gotten dressed in a hurry.

            "So, did you have fun" she asked, already knowing the answer.

            "One-afternoon stands are *so* underrated.  Besides… I got a free haircut and free blue and green tips out of the deal," Draco replied with that shit-eating grin of his.

            Johnny and Vile laughed and they walked into the store, their home away from home.

            They spent thirty minutes looking around, and finally walked out with a handful of bags, each.  (For both hands, of course.)

            Draco had gotten a pair of baggy black denim "skater pants", two pairs of regular blue denim "skater pants", and a pair of baggy black leather pants.  He also got a pair of black combat boots and Jack Skellington shoelaces, his own "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" t-shirt, and various other shirts that Vile deemed worthy.

            Vile bought a bit of Invader Zim and Care Bears merchandise, and a frozen can of Vamp Cola.  (It's better frozen!)

            Johnny got two of everything.

            It was now two o'clock in the afternoon and the time was nearing for them to take the Portkey back to Hogwarts.

            So she said goodbye to Johnny and she and Draco went to the janitor's closet, where they transported back to the edge of Hogsmeade. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            That Monday, in the Great Hall during breakfast, Vile was sitting at the Gryffindor table, talking to her new friend, Harry Potter.

            Hermione looked at Vile and asked, "So, what's up with Draco?  Since Saturday he has a new hairdo… and he's being semi-nice, and he has a new wardrobe.  Is he hexed or something?"

            Vile laughed and replied, "No, he's not hexed.  First of all, my hairdresser laid him.  Second of all, he had to act the way he did before because of his father.  So I brought the "Drake" I know to life."

            "Why would Lucius make Draco act the way he did for… so long?" Harry inquired, genuinely interested.

            "Because he a biiiitch, yo!" Vile said, as she clutched her stomach while bursting into hysterical laughter.  "He a beeee-yotch!"

            Draco walked by, saw Vile in wild convulsions, and asked, "What's so funny?"

            Vile popped her head up just long enough to yell, "He a biiiiitch!!!"

            Draco looked confused, as asked, "Who is a bitch?"

            Vile fell off the bench, laughing, and hollered, "Yo' daddy!"

            They then yelled, at the same time, "He a beeeee-yotch!" and doubled over with laughter.

            Hermione looked disgusted at this display of blatant immaturity, and said, "Ummmm… what?"

            "Just say it with us…" Vile replied.

            So, Harry, Hermione, and Ron joined Vile and Draco in yelling, "He a beeeeeeeee-yotch!" and rolling around the floor with laughter.

            Soon the entire Great Hall joined in, including Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape.

            After everyone had recovered from the "beee-yotch" incident and were on their way to their first classes of the day, Vile turned to Draco and said, "So, Dre-Dre's back."

            Draco screamed, "It's DRAKE, not DRE-DRE!!!"

            Vile just waved her hand and said, "Next order of business:  getting you and Ron together."

            Draco opened his mouth and let loose a shrill scream.

            "AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

            Vile clamped her hand over Draco's mouth and asked, "What's wrong with Ron?"

            She took her hand off of his mouth, but Draco just screamed again, even louder, and an octave higher.

            So Vile covered his mouth with her hand again, and said, "Tell me what's wrong with Weasley."

            But as soon as she removed her hand, Draco screamed again, at yet an even higher and louder tone.

            "Okay," Vile said, shutting her cousin up again.  "We're going to try this again.  What the hell is wrong with Ron Weasley?"

            This time Draco screamed just like a girl.

            By this time, Vile was getting extremely pissed off.  She pushed Draco against the wall, both hands on his mouth, and said, "Now, when I move my hands and let you go, you're going to tell me what is wrong with Ron, *without* screaming.  If you don't, I will kick your ass.  Do you understand?"

            Draco nodded meekly and Vile released him.

            "He's taller than me," Draco then whined.

            Vile laughed, and replied, "Um Draco, you have a Shortening spell on you, remember?"

            Lucius Malfoy didn't want anyone to be taller than him, and Draco had surpassed him long ago.

            "Awwww yeah…" Draco said, remembering.

            Vile removed the spell, and Draco shot up until he was 6'3", hair included.  Luckily, the clothes grew with him.

            "So now, we can get you and Ron together," Vile said with a smile.

            "Got a plan?" Draco asked.

            "DUH!" Vile yelled.  "Am I a Slytherin, or not?"

            "Yeah… ok… so how do we conquer a fox demon?" Draco asked.

            "Well, first of all, you're going to give him a lap dance in the Great Hall tomorrow at breakfast, while singing Big Gay Al's version of 'Back Dat Ass Up'."

            "HELL NO!" yelled Draco.  There was no way that he was gonna suffer that kind of humiliation.

            "I dare ya," Vile replied maliciously.

            Draco looked defeated, and shook his fist while saying, "Daaaamn you, evil creature!"

            Vile just laughed as they walked into the Charms classroom.

**A/N:  **Oh… my… god… that took *forever* to type.  Okay, first order of business:  Translations!

1-Princess

2-Let's

3-This

4-Super

5-Thanks

6-Asking

7-Ass

8-Presume

9-Such

10- Seme (pronounced Sim-AY.  It basically means the guy is a top.  Uke, pronounce yuke, is a bottom.)

Okay, and Johnny, Vile's boyfriend, is Jonathan Davis' son.  (I don't know if he *really* has a 17-year-old son… probably not, but oh well.)  Jack Skellington is Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas.  Johnny the Homicidal Maniac is a comic book created by Jhonen Vasquez, wonderful, gorgeous, co-writer of Invader Zim, the best cartoon ever.  

And now for reviewer cookies!

Zaira-Draco:  I'm glad you like it!  And thank you for the well wishes.  As you can tell, my Muses are back in full force!  This is the longest chapter I've ever written!  Keep the Muses happy with more reviews, please.  ^_^

_LilPurplFlwr:  Thank you, and of course I will keep writing, as long as I keep getting reviews.  ^_^_


	5. Lap Dances, Gay Boys, and Imps, OH MY!

**A/N:**  More hilarity!  Yay!  The theme song is "Bad Reputation," by Joan Jett.  I've started emailing all my reviewers to let them know about updates, new stories, etc.  However, some of you don't have your email addresses in your profiles!  If you would like to be included in this mailing list, please either leave your email in your review, or email me your addy at JinxthePixie@aol.com.  On to the disclaimer!

**Disclaimer:  **Everything you recognize belongs to JKR.  "Back That Ass Up, the Gay Version" belongs to Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of South Park.  The original version (which does not appear here) belongs to whoever sings it.  (It is a very rare occasion that I listen to rap.  I find it quite annoying most of the time.)  Everything else is mine.  If you wish to use any of it, or archive this story, just ask me.  ^_^

_Bad Reputation, by Joan Jett_

_I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation  
You're living in the past it's a new generation  
A boy can do what he wants to do and that's  
What I'm gonna do  
An' I don't give a damn ' bout my bad reputation_

_Oh no not me  
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation  
Never said I wanted to improve my station  
An' I'm only doin' good  
When I'm havin' fun  
An' I don't have to please no one  
An' I don't give a damn  
'Bout my bad reputation_

_Oh no, not me  
Oh no, not me_

_I don't give a damn  
'Bout my reputation  
I've never been afraid of any deviation  
An' I don't really care  
If ya think I'm strange  
I ain't gonna change  
An' I'm never gonna care  
'Bout my bad reputation_

_Oh no, not me  
Oh no, not me_

_Pedal boys!_

_An' I don't give a damn  
'Bout my reputation  
The world's in trouble  
There's no communication  
An' everyone can say  
What they want to say  
It never gets better anyway  
So why should I care  
'Bout a bad reputation anyway  
Oh no, not me  
Oh no, not me_

_I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation  
You're living in the past  
It's a new generation  
An' I only feel good  
When I got no pain  
An' that's how I'm gonna stay  
An' I don't give a damn  
'Bout my bad reputation_

_Oh no, not me  
Oh no, not  
Not me, not me_

**Chapter 4:  Lap Dances, Gay Boys, and Imps, OH MY!**

            The next morning, Draco strolled into the Great Hall, wearing sangoire leather pants, a tight black stretchy shirt, and his new combat boots.  He smiled seductively at Draco, winked at Blaise (who had agreed to help), and put a charm on the walls to play background music.

            Once the music had started up, Draco stood in the aisle between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables, with his right hand isolated in the air.

            "What you are to do is, bend over, and walk this way," Draco said in a very "Diego-like" voice, without the lisp, as he bent over and jumped backward, toward the Gryffindor table.

            Blaise looked up and tried to copy the move, jumping forward, toward the Ravenclaw table.

            "Like this?"

            Draco rolled his eyes and said, "No fool!  Back that ass up!"

            Blaise shook his derriere in the air and said, "OH, like this?"

            Draco did the move correctly once again and replied, "No, like this."

            Blaise finally succeeded in backing his ass up and said cheerily, "Okay."

            Draco laughed and said, "You're so silly!" as he back his ass up until he was in Ron's lap, dancing in quite a sexual manner.

"I said I love it when your ass shakes, it's crazy!  
I love to toss a salad daily, it's tasty!  
I love it when we're maxin', relaxin',  
You ask me if I'm super,  
Thanks for askin',  
But you know I'm a diva, like Xena,  
You say "Hey senorita, nice to meet ya",  
Bend over like a doggy,  
Here comes the logger,  
We can do it like a monkey,  
Or frog it,  
You can play with my Sony,  
Rub my pony,  
I don't like blow-up dolls,  
'Cause they're too phony,  
You like it from the back side,  
The rough ride...  
So dip, dip, dip n' slide,

  
Boy, you look good,  
Need back that ass up!  
You're a big fine man,  
Back that ass up!  
Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up!  
Ronnie quit playin',  
Back that ass up!  
Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up!  
All you need to do is back that ass up!

I like to get nude with the Village People,  
I watched Mill Gibson's butt in the movie Lethal!  
Jump on your ass like I'm doing stunts carnival,  
Shagadelic like Austin Powers 'n' Dr. Evil!  
Your ass is a medit,  
I'm your gay bandit,  
Ronnie your butt is too hairy,  
I can't stand it!  
The big airplane just landed,  
So spread your butt cheeks so I can "can" it!

  
Boy you look good,  
Need to back that ass up!  
You're a big strong man,  
Back that ass up!  
Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up!  
Ronnie quit playin',  
Back that ass up!  
Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up!  
Boy who's will you play with?  
Back that ass up!  
Boy you look good,  
All you need to do is back that ass up!  
You're a big strong man,  
Back that ass up!"  
  


Draco continued dancing in Ron's lap, as Blaise began singing.

"I know you can't stand it,  
Gay bandit,  
Hoppin' around the big carry like a rabbit,  
Looking for a big man, a thick man,  
Send it deep inside like quick sand,  
Looking for a big stick,  
A loving, summer stick,  
Back that ass up,  
Fast, but not quick!

As Blaise finished his verse, he and Draco joined together to sing the last chorus in two-part harmony.

"Back that ass up!  
Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up!  
Ronnie quit playin',  
Back that ass up!  
Boy you look good,  
Back that ass up!  
You're a big strong man,  
Back that ass up!"

At this, Draco turned around and planted a huge kiss on Ron's lips, before getting up.  Ron promptly ran out of the hall, red from head to toe.  
  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            "I'm bored."

            Draco looked up from his Potions homework as his cousin spoke, and said, "You would think you have had enough entertainment for the day, what with that scene at break."

            "Yeah, that was great.  I caught it on all film.  But that was several hours ago," Vile replied with an evil glint in her eyes.

            "Uh oh… Vile… what are you thinking?" Draco asked, backing away.

            "So glad you asked!  See, Harry and I talked earlier.  He told me that his father, Professor Lupin, and their friends used to have quite a lot of fun causing mischief during school.  We decided that you, me, Hermione, Ron, Ginny Weasley, and himself should team up to create the new generation of Marauders.  After all, we ought to have fun during our last year of school."

            "WHAT?!?  Us, team up with *Gryffindors*, and the Dream Team, no less?" Draco screamed.

            "Oh come on.  He has this map that the Marauders made… you can see all the secret passages in the school, some that lead to Hogsmeade, and all the teachers, students, and ghosts, that are roaming the halls and grounds!  And between us, we'll have two invisibility cloaks.  We'll be virtually uncatchable!  Plus… this would be the perfect way for you to get close to your Ickle Ronniekins," reasoned Vile.

            Draco brightened and thought for a minute, before agreeing to take part in this new era of troublemaking.

            "I want in too."

            Vile and Draco turned around to see Blaise standing behind him.

            "What could you bring to the group?" asked Vile, skeptically.

            "I've been researching the Animagus spell.  I finally know how to perform it.  Pulling pranks would be much easier if you had a few people with small animal forms," he replied with a smug look on his handsome face.         

"All right, you're in," said Vile, as she picked up her invisibility cloak.  "Come on, let's go.  I told Harry I would meet him and the Gryffs in a room on the third floor at ten o'clock."

            So the trio raced out of the Slytherin common room, well hidden underneath Vile's cloak.

            Vile stopped them when they reached a large portrait of Wallace the Wimpy and said, "Open up you little wuss, or I'll beat your face in!"

            Wallace squeaked and allowed them admittance.

            The Slytherins walked inside the room to find the Gryffindor half of the future mischief-makers already there.  

            "So Harry, did you explain to the others about the proposal?" Vile asked as she sat down on a large purple couch.

            "Yes, they have agreed," Harry replied.  "Will Blaise be joining us as well?"

            "Yep.  He can help us become Animagi.  All of you should be able to perform the spell immediately.  As for me, I'll just take my wolf form," Vile said with a smile.

            "All right then.  We'll do that last.  First, we need to think of a name for ourselves.  And after that, we need to plan the ground-breaking prank."

            "Hold up, hold *up*!" Ron shouted.  "Don't tell me that… that… Fruit Donut is going to be in this too!"

            "Ron, it's Fruit *Loop*.  And yes, he is.  Now, on to business," said Harry authoritatively.

            So the seven teenagers began contemplating names for their newly formed group.

            "How about… The Imps?" suggested Hermione after a while.

            "What's an imp?" asked Ron.

            "Duh, Ron!  You're a wizard; you should know this!  It's 'one that likes to create trouble,'" exclaimed both Vile and Hermione at once.

            "So-o-ry…" Ron mumbled, quite grumpily.

            Harry shifted in the armchair he was seated in, and said, "Okay, so we're The Imps.  Does anyone have any ideas for the first prank?"

            "Of course.  We start Insult Day," Vile replied.

            "Insult Day?"

            "Yes, Insult Day.  We chant an incantation first thing in the morning, and the rest of the day is complete chaos, with everyone shouting crude insults at one another.  Everyone, even the teachers would be involved.  We could join in as well!" Vile said, excitedly.

            "Okay, so what is this spell?"

            "_Eris, weave your work,  
            Point out everyone's quirks.  
            Turn this day upside down,  
            And leave everyone with an insult crown,_" Vile replied, careful not to touch her wand as she recited the words, for it was not yet time for Insult Day to commence.

            "Okay, now it's time for the Animagus spell," Harry said, nodding his head.

            "Okay, we all gather in a circle.  I'll say the spell, and we'll each be transformed for a few seconds.  After that, we can transform at will," said Blaise.

            They then gathered in a circle, except Vile, and Blaise waved his wand, saying, "_Riveli la vostra forma animale!_"

            Soon, in the group's place, stood a small black kitten (Hermione), small red fox (Ron), tiny white ferret (Draco), another cute little fox (Ginny), a large ebony raven (Harry), and a massive Bengal tiger (Blaise).

            "Awww… you're all so tiny… except Harry and Blaise!  You're *so* cute!" exclaimed Vile as they began to become human again.

            "I can't believe I turned into a white ferret," Draco muttered.  

            Ginny giggled and said, "Well I like my form… foxes are pretty cool."

            "And of course you and Ron would have fox forms… everyone knows that the Weasleys are fox demons!" Vile said, as if this fact should have been obvious.  "Now, we need names for each of us."

            "Let's do that later," said Harry, with a yawn.  "It's past midnight, and I'm tired."

            So The Imps dispersed and went to bed anticipating Insult Day, and other future antics.

**A/N:  **Hermione thinks she's a dog… she kept trying to eat the chapter when I was writing it.  (I have a black kitten named Hermione.)  For those of you who don't know, sangoire is the color of blood.  It's such a dark red, that it's almost black.  And grrr… in the song part, it didn't keep the formatting I wanted… oh well… Cookie time!

SycoCallie:  Zim rocks!  And I'm so glad you like my stories.  I think one of the greatest compliments is when the author of another story I like gives me a positive review.  ^_^  And * wow*, you're the second person to add me to your favorites list!  I was so completely surprised when I looked at my stats and saw that I am now on the favorites list of 3 people… it made my day.  ^_^

_ladylighter:  LOL, I'll talk to Vile and see if I can arrange that.  And yes, slightly mad Malfoys do rock.  Of course, Vile and Remus will still hook up eventually.  But I have to be evil and give them obstacles.  HEHEHE!!!_


	6. Insult Day

**A/N:  WARNING!!!  **This is just an interlude type thingy that lends nothing to any sort of plot.  *All* characters are very much OOC, except maybe Vile, and Draco, now that he has been Vile-ated.  I did this on purpose!  Rampant cursing and nastiness up ahead!  **YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!  **All insults were generated at the What You Are website.  The address in my profile, under the _Naked Man in a Trench Coat _section.  This site is worth your time!  It amused Caytin and I for hours!  KENNY CHESNEY IS ON TV!!!!  That man is sooooooooooooooo hot…  The theme song is "All in the Family," by Fred Durst and Jon Davis.  ^_^  

**Disclaimer:  **Recognize it?  Damn… because that means it belongs to JKR.  Don't recognize it?  SCORE!  That means it belongs to MOI, and if you wish to use it, or archive the story, be a dearie and ask me first!
    
    _All in the Family, by Fred Durst and Jon Davis_
    
    _Fred: What's up with this fucking 'Ball Tongue' shit?  
    
    Jon: All I needed was a Pepsi...  
    
    Fred: You better shut the fuck up, punk.  
    
    Jon: Whatever nigga...  
    
    Fred: Say what, say what?  
    
    Jon: My dick is bigger than yours...  
    
    Fred: Say what, say what?  
    
    Jon: My band is bigger than yours..._
    
    _Fred: Too bad I got your beans in my bag  
    
    Stuck-up sucka', Korny motherfucka'  
    
    Takin' over flows is the Limp pimp  
    
    Need a Bizkit to save this crew from Jon Davis  
    
     I'm gonna drop a little east side skill  
    
    Ya best step back 'cuz I'm 'a kill, I'm 'a kill  
    
     So whatcha thinking Mr. Raggedy Man?  
    
    Doin' all you can to look like Raggedy Ann._
    
    _Jon: I'll Check you out punk, yes I know you feel it  
    
     You look like one of those dancers from the Hanson video, you little faggot ho  
    
     Please give me some shit to work with, 'cuz right now I'm all it kid  
    
    Suck my dick kid, like your daddy did_
    
    _Fred: Who the fuck you think you're talking to??  
    
    Jon: Me.  
    
    Fred: I'm known for eatin' little whiny chumps like you.  
    
    Jon: Whatever.  
    
    Fred: All up in my face with that...  
    
    Jon: Are you ready?!?  
    
    Fred: But halitosis, is all you're rockin' steady  
    
     You little fairy, smelling all your flowers  
    
     Nappy hairy chest, look it's Austin Powers!  
    
    Jon: Yeah, baby!  
    
    Fred: I hear ya tweetin' on them fag-pipes clod  
    
    But you said it best,   
    
    There's No Place To Hide_
    
    _Jon: What the fuck ya' sayin'?   
    
    You're a pimp whateva', limp dick_
    
    _Fred Durst needs to rehearse, needs to reverse what he's saying  
    
     Wannabe funk joke is what you're playin'  
    
    Rippin' up a bad counterfeit, fakin'!   
    
    Plus your bills I'm paying, you can't eat that shit every day, Fred_
    
    _Fred: Say what, say what? You better watch your fuckin' mouth, Jon._
    
    _Jon: So you hate me?  
    
    Fred: and I hate you!  
    
    Jon: You know what, you know what?  
    
    Both: It's all in the family.  
    
      
    
    _
    
    _Jon: I hate you!  
    
    Fred: and you hate me!  
    
    Jon: You know what, you know what?  
    
    Both: It's all in the family._
    
    _Jon: Look at you fool, I'm gonna fuck you up twice  
    
    Throwin' rhymes at me like, oh shit, Vanilla Ice  
    
     Ya better run, run while ya can  
    
    You'll never fuck me up, Bisc Limpkit  
    
     At least I got a phat, original band_
    
    _Fred: Who's hot, who's not?  
    
    Jon: You.  
    
    Fred: You best step back, Korn on the cob, you need a new job  
    
     Time to take them mic skills back to the dentist, and buy yourself a new grill  
    
    Jon: Fuck you.  
    
    Fred: You pumpkin pie, I'll jack-off in your eye  
    
     Climbing chutes and ladders, while your ego shatters  
    
     But you just can't get away  
    
    Jon: Get a gay?  
    
    Fred: 'Cuz it's doomsday kid, it's doomsday._
    
    _Fred: You call yourself a singer?  
    
    Jon: Yep.  
    
    Fred: You're more like Jerry Springer.  
    
    Jon: Oh cool!  
    
    Fred: Your favorite band is Winger,  
    
    Jon: Winger?  
    
    Fred: and all you eat is Zingers.   
    
    You're like a Fruity Pebble,  
    
    Your favorite flag is rebel.  
    
    Jon: Yeeeeeehaaaaaa!!  
    
    Fred: It's just too bad that you're a fag, and on a lower level.  
    
    Jon: So you're from Jacksonville, kickin' it like Buffalo Bill  
    
    Gettin' butt-fucked by your uncle Chuck  
    
    While your sister's on her knees waitin' for your fuckin' nut_
    
    _Fred: Wait, where'd ya get that little dance?  
    
    Jon: Over here.  
    
    Fred: Like them idiots in Waco, you're burning up in Bako   
    
    Where your father had your mother, your mother had your brother,  
    
    It's just too bad your father's mad, your mother's now your lover  
    
    Jon: Come on hillbilly, can your horse do a fuckin' wheelie?  
    
    You love it down south, and boy, you sure do got a purdy mouth_
    
    _Jon: And I love you!  
    
    Fred: And I want you!  
    
    Jon: And I'll suck you!  
    
    Fred: And I'll fuck you!  
    
    Jon: And I'll butt-fuck you!  
    
    Fred: And I'll eat you!  
    
    Jon: And I'll lick your little dick, motherfucka'.  
    
    Fred: Say whaaaaa… ttt?_

Chapter 5: Insult Day 

            "Man… this is going to be *so* wicked…"

            The Imps were gathered in the room behind Wallace the Wimpy, their official meeting place, getting ready to perform the spell.

            "Okay, this is gonna work on us too!  There was much rejoicing!  Yay!!!  Now we gather around in a circle with our wands pointed in all directions," explained Vile.

                        _"Eris, weave your work,  
                        Point out everyone's quirks,  
                        Turn this day upside down,  
                        And leave everyone with an Insult Crown!"_

            "Okay, let's go."

            The Imps walked into the Great Hall, just in time to hear McGonagall shouting, "You are a testicular salad buffet who loves to bake vibrators!" at Snape.

            The Imps giggled and a random Slytherin joined in the festivities, by yelling that Hermione was a "shrunken disco queen who loves to taste cunts!"

            Hermione was quite taken aback, but was unable to prevent herself from shouting, "You are a malignant titan who loves to megaFUCK dragons!" at Hagrid.

            Before long, Hagrid was roaring, "Yer a gigantic midget 'oo luvs ter climb crotches! Struth!" at Flitwick

            Crabbe looked around nervously, before standing atop the Slytherin table and yelling, "You are a foxy titan who loves to corner blow up dolls!  You need to stop…" at Goyle.

            Draco grinned maliciously and turned to Ron, the words forming on his tongue.

            "You are a sexy porn star who loves to squeeze balls!"

            Ron crossed his arms and shot back, "Oh yeah?  Well, you're a shrunken porn star who loves to sluuurp lions!"

            Draco smiled and said, "Yeah, that would be correct…"

            The Imps never got to sit down however, for the bell signaling the end of breakfast soon rang.

            "Damn.  What's our first class?" asked Vile.

            "Potions."

            "Sweet…"

            The Imps, minus Ginny, raced to Potions, beating everyone else.

            "Hey Blaise!" said Hermione.

            "Yeah?"

            "You know… you're a horny studmagnet who loves to dejuice balls."

            "Wow… thanks 'Mione!"

            Hermione giggled as the rest of the class and their professor trickled in.

            "Hey, Uncle Sevvie!"

            "Yes, Vile?"

            "Did you know that you're a cock-heavy vixen who loves to reward werewolves?"

            "Whaaaaaa… how did you knooooow?"

            Vile just smirked and Severus went on.

            "Well, since I'm in a very strange, but good mood today, we're going to start making love potions.  They will take two weeks to brew."

            "Uncle Sevvie?"

            Severus sighed and said, "Yes, Vile?"

            "You got laid last night, didn't you?"

            "I hardly see how that's any of your business, or relevant to this class.  I merely enjoy seeing the rampant chaos.  Ingenious idea, my dear niece.  Only you could have thought of it."

            Vile answered, "I *knew* Professor Lupin looked particularly giddy this morning…"

            A look of sheer amusement came over Severus' features as he said, "Twasn't Lupin."

            "Well then, who else is a werewolf at this school, besides myself and Professor Lupin?" asked Vile.

            The whole class suddenly began giggling as Blaise and Draco burst into song.

            "Who's the wolfie that shagged Professor Snape?" sang out Draco.  "Was it you?"

            "Not me!" answered Blaise.

            Blaise and Draco then joined together to sing, "Then who?!?"

            "I'm not teeelliing!!" screamed Severus.  "Now, open your books to page sixty-nine… sixty-nine, hehe… and begin brewing you potions.  Oh wait!  I have to divide you into pairs!  When the potions are ready, you will be testing them on each other!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

            The students were shaking in their boots as the Potions Master began walking around the room, assigning partners.

            "Malfoy, Draco and Weasley!  Zabini and… LONGBOTTOM!  Potter and Malfoy, Vile!  Granger and Goyle!  Bulstrode and Finnegan!  Crabbe and Thomas!  Patil and Parkinson!"

            Severus continued on, laughing evilly to himself at each pair.

            "Luckily for all of you, this luuurrv potion will only last for three days.  During that time, you will crave your partner like a pregnant woman craves pickles and ice cream.  ENJOY!"

            Many of the students took on a green tinge as they began piling in the ingredients.

            "Okay, um add a teaspoon of chocolate, a stalk of asparagus, two jasmine petals… Damn, with all these aphrodisiacs, it should be called horny juice, not a love potion," said Draco.

            "Ugh… I bet you asked Snape beforehand to pair us together!" said Ron, trying his best to look disgusted.

            "No, sorry, I didn't.  I am happy about the way it ended up, though," answered Draco.

            "Ack!  You're such a macrophilic fruitcake who loves to poke penises!" yelled Ron.

            "Why thank you, Ron.  Can I poke yours?"

            "NO!"

            "Come on… It would be fun…"

            Meanwhile…

            Harry's eye was twitching.  He could hear Professor Snape muttering to himself, saying, "Sirius Black… nothing but an underhung dogboy who loves to infiltrate bitches…"

            "Harry?  Are you okay?  Wait!  I already added the crushed up Wizard's Viagra!  Do you want to be super-randy or something??" scolded Vile.

            "Oh, sorry… I was just off in my own little world," answered Harry.

            "Well, snap out of it.  Gods, I hope Johnny doesn't find out about this… not that we Malfoys particularly believe in monogamy…"

            "Who's Johnny?" asked Harry.

            "Oh… my boyfriend back in the States.  We decided to stay together even though there is now a large body of water separating us, but I don't think it's quite working…" replied Vile, with a sigh.

            "Well then, why don't you break up with him?"

            "Because his father is the lead singer of Korn," Vile answered.

            This made perfect sense, of course, and the day wore on.

            At lunch, Professor Dumbledore got called "a masturbating ringtail-fucker who loves to laugh at crotches" by Professor Binns.

            Albus merely laughed, and went on to tell the entire hall that they were "testicular vixens that love to megaFUCK werewolves."

            Cheering ensued as Vile saw fit to tell Draco that he was "a biased dragon who loves to eat monster cocks," and Ginny told Harry that he was "a boob-sucking dragon who loves to mount calzones."

            Dobby then swept into the hall for no apparent reason and Harry yelled out that he was "a lecherous midget who loves to empty balls."

            Dobby blushed and bowed as he said, "Thank you, Harry Potter, sir!  Thank you!" before rushing back to the kitchen to tell the other house elves that THE Harry Potter, his dream boy, had given him the greatest compliment of all time.

            By the end of lunch, Terry Boot of Ravenclaw was "a cock-heavy sexybitch who loves to devour vibrators," Neville was "a malignant raverfag who loves to discover penises," and Blaise was "a cock-heavy goddess who loves to slap trouser snakes."

            Classes ended with Defense Against the Dark Arts and Professor Lupin being called "a very large dragon who loves to nibble hot bitches."

            At dinnertime, everyone rushed into the hall to see McGonagall telling Trelawney that she was "a diseased penis-pumper who loves to taste ringtails."

            Insanity and chaos invaded further as Colin Creevey told his lover, Ernie MacMillan of Hufflepuff, that he was "a microphilic Nintendo 64 who loves to buy giant tits."

            Ernie tried to deny that he liked any part of the female anatomy, while some laughed hysterically, and still others tried to figure out what exactly a "Nintendo 64" was.

            Severus voiced his farewell by yelling to Filch that he was "a testicular fruitcake who loves to sniff dildos."

            Insult Day was to end soon, so the entire Great Hall turned to Harry and let him know that he was "a cock-heavy virgin who loves to make vibrators."

            "What?" he whined.  "I make the vibrators to sell at Weasley Wizard Wheezes… and about the 'virgin' part… um, would you believe me if I said I'm not?"

            "HELL NO!"

**A/N:  ***gasp*  Who is Sevvie's lover, the third werewolf at Hogwarts?  Will he be nice now that he has a sex life?  What will happen when the luuuuurrrrrv potions, aka horny juice are tested?  What will The Imps do next?  Stay tuned to find out!  If you would like to be added to the updates list, then let me know.  Okie dokie on the okefanokie, pokie wokie, it's LOLLIPOP TIME!!!  

AvalonFairyWitch:  I agree with you on all points!  LOL, thanks for reading and reviewing, and adding me to your favorites.  YOU ARE AWESOME!  *huggles*

_SycoCallie:  Good idea!  We can brainwash all of them!  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  Thanks, and yes you may have your own little fox demon.  They are soooo fine.  Do you watch Yu Yu Hakusho?  Karuma is a fox demon… *drool*_

_Angelxd14:  Princess Anna!  Thanks.  ^_^  I went insane in this chapter, hope you like it._


	7. Beginnings

**A/N:  **Yay! More!  Wait… what's supposed to happen again?  *looks at her story map*  Oh yeah… Okie.  ^_^  Theme song is "Hungry Like the Wolf", by Duran Duran.

**Disclaimer:**  I own Vile, Fenrer, and the plot.  If you wish to use any of this, or archive this story, please ask first!  Everything you recognize belongs to JKR.
    
      
    
      
    
    
    
    _Dark in the city, night is a wire  
    
    Steam in the subway, earth is afire  
    
    Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do  
    
    Woman you won't me give me a sign  
    
    And catch my breathing even closer behind  
    
    Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do  
    
      
    
    In touch with the ground  
    
    I'm on the hunt I'm after you  
    
    Smell like I sound I'm lost in a crowd  
    
    And I'm hungry like the wolf  
    
    Straddle the line in discord and rhyme  
    
    I'm on the hunt I'm after you  
    
    Mouth is alive with juices like wine  
    
    And I'm hungry like the wolf  
    
      
    
    Stalked in the forest too close to hide  
    
    I'll be upon you by the moonlight side  
    
    Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do  
    
    High blood drumming on your skin it's so tight  
    
    You feel my heart I'm just a moment behind  
    
    Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do  
    
      
    
    In touch with the ground  
    
    I'm on the hunt I'm after you  
    
    Scent and a sound, I'm lost and I'm found  
    
    And I'm hungry like the wolf  
    
    Strut on a line it's discord and rhyme  
    
    I howl and I whine I'm after you  
    
    Mouth is alive all running inside  
    
    And I'm hungry like the wolf  
    
      
    
    Hungry like the wolf  
    
    Hungry like the wolf  
    
    Hungry like the wolf  
    
      
    
    Burning the ground I break from the crowd  
    
    I'm on the hunt I'm after you  
    
    I smell like I sound, I'm lost and I'm found  
    
    And I'm hungry like the wolf  
    
    Strut on a line it's discord and rhyme  
    
    I'm on the hunt I'm after you  
    
    Mouth is alive with juices like wine  
    
    And I'm hungry like the wolf  
    
      
    
    Burning the ground I break from the crowd  
    
    I'm on the hunt I'm after you  
    
    Scent and a sound, I'm lost and I'm found  
    
    And I'm hungry like the wolf  
    
    Strut on a line it's discord and rhyme  
    
    I howl and I whine I'm after you  
    
    Mouth is alive all running inside  
    
    And I'm hungry like the wolf  
    
      
    
    Strut on a line it's discord and rhyme  
    
    I howl and I whine I'm after you  
    
    Mouth is alive_

Chapter 5:  Beginnings 

            Vile walked through the tunnel that led to the Shrieking Shack with Fenrer close on her heels.  She was meeting Remus Lupin at her destination for their first training session.

            When she reached the trap door, she opened it and stepped in.

            "Hello, Professor Lupin.  Come on in, Fenrer."

            "Vile… I want to thank you for doing this for me.  You don't know how much it means to me…"

            "Well I figured I better do one good deed in life.  I don't wanna come back as a cockroach or something when I die."

            Remus laughed and stood up.

            "Nope, sit back down.  This training session will be meditating.  Next time you will be practicing a spell.  This spell will reverse the curse so that you will merely be an Animagus with the form of a wolf.  This spell must be recited after drinking a potion much like Wolfsbane, except it tastes like bubblegum."

            "Thank Merlin for that…" said Remus as he sat down Indian style.

            Vile smiled and took some candles and a jar filled with crushed rubies out of her bag.  She set the candles around them in a circle and scattered the ruby dust randomly about the circle.

            "Okay, now you will have to concentrate on letting the curse go.  The curse has to be separate from you for the spell to work.  Oh, and you have to hum."

            Remus looked up, amusement dancing in his tired amber eyes, and asked, "Hum?"

            "Yes, hum."

            Vile closed her platinum eyes.

            "Ooooooohhhhmmmm…."

            "Ooooohhhhhhmmmmm…."

            After an hour of "ohming," Vile stopped them.

            "Okay, that's it for this session."

            Vile got up and started to leave, but Remus stopped her.

            "Yes, Professor Lupin?"

            "I wanted to say that you may not realize it, but you are quite an admirable girl… You're helping me… you're uniting the houses… and I have a sneaking suspicion that you may have had a part in the recent bout of pranks.  Oh, and call me Remus."

            "So I'm not evil?  Damnit!"

            Remus smirked.

            "Oh, I'm sure you're evil, Vile."

            Vile smiled and sat down next to her Professor.

            "That's so sweet, Professor.  You really think so?"

            Remus' eyes creased with laughter as he said, "I am only your Professor in the classroom.  Otherwise, I'm Remus, and hopefully your friend.  And yes, I do think so."

            Vile pumped her fist in the air and exclaimed, "Boo yeah!"

            "So since we're going to be friends, why don't you tell me about yourself?" asked Remus.

            "Well, my full name is Vile Lucifera Malfoy.  My parents are Lucifer and Persephone Malfoy… you probably knew my dad in school.  He met my mom in America.  I lived in Houston, Texas until last summer, and attended The Merlin Academy for All Things Magical, where I was at the top of my class.  My favorite foods are spaghetti and chocolate chip cookie dough.  I like pulling pranks, having fun, music, and playing Squeedlyspooch.  Squeedlyspooch is the American form of Quidditch.  Most people think we play Quodpot, but that's SOUTH America, not North.  Anyway…

            "My boyfriend is Johnny Davis, son of the lead singer of Korn, though I'm not sure it's working now that I'm living here.  I am seventeen years old and will turn eighteen in two weeks.  Um… that's about all there is to know about me.  You?"

            Remus leaned against the wall and began his story.

            "My full name is Remus Jupiter Lupin.  I attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and was one of the top students.  I am thirty-five years old.  I was best friends with James Potter, Sirius Black, and the boy that Peter Pettigrew used to be.  Most people still don't know that he joined forces with Voldemort…  Anyway, we were known as the Marauders, and my nickname is Moony.  I had a twin brother named Romulus Saturn Lupin, whom was killed when we were three, in the werewolf attack that laid the curse on me.  My parents' names were Aeneas and Lavinia Lupin.  Voldemort killed them when I was sixteen.

            "I have been searching for work since I graduated, but Albus Dumbledore is the only wizard that would hire me.  I work for the Light, against the man who took my parents and friends from me.  I love playing Quidditch on the position of Chaser, but could not play in school because of my condition.  I have dated, but have not found my lifemate.  At what age were you bitten?"

            Vile looked up and sadly answered, "Nine.  Our house was surrounded by a forest… it was outside of Houston, of course.  I used to go into the woods for a bit of solitude and peace.  There was this huge hill in the middle, that I called Mount Olympus.  I used to go and sit on the top of it and watch the stream below and the small waterfall.  I would watch all the animals playing, or read a book.  It was so peaceful…

            "Anyway, one night I got so caught up reading _The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe_, by C.S. Lewis, that I forgot to go home.  It grew dark and I couldn't find my way out of the woods.  I was almost to the edge when I saw my dad.  I started to run towards him when something knocked me to the ground and bit me.  My dad killed it and discovered that it was a werewolf."

            Vile's eyes softened to a cloudy gray as she went on.

            "I was so scared.  But my mom knew a werewolf expert who worked at the Academy I later attended.  I don't know what I would have done if Gawain hadn't helped me."

            Remus looked at the girl, surprised that she was actually showing a vulnerable side, and said, "As I don't know what I would do if you weren't helping me."

            Vile's face broke into a big grin and Remus offered her his hand, leading her out of the Shack.

**A/N:  **Sorry it's so short.  Wheeeee doo!!!!  Vile/Remy action!  Their relationship is going to be very slow in developing though, and Vile is gonna fight it like a tiger!  So don't get too anxious for smoochies yet!  If you want to be added to the updates mailing list, let me know.  ^_^  COOKIES!  ^_^

_Angeldx14:  LOL… thanks for the compliment!  You rock!_

SycoCallie:  Sorry, *not* Dumbledore.  That is not a mental image I want haunting my nightmares… lol.  19 hours?  Ick… that sucks… I'm glad I make you happy! *hands Syco some lotion, and stop thinking with that dirty mind all you readers!*  


	8. More Vileations

**A/N:  **Sorry it's been so long.  Real life got a hold of me, I got a sinus infection, and my wisdom teeth are killing me!  (When I'm sick and in pain, so are my Muses.)  Theme song is "Witchy Woman," by the Eagles.  I changed one word.  

**Disclaimer:  **No Sex in the Potions Room belongs to Aspen (allsingingcrap@hotmail.com).  The website address is in my Bio.  Anything you recognize belongs to JKR.  Anything you don't recognize belongs to me.  (Except NsitPR.)

Witchy Woman, by the Eagles Platinum hair and ruby lips   
Sparks fly from her fingertips   
Echoed voices in the night   
She's a restless spirit on an endless flight   
Wooo hooo witchy woman, see how high she flies   
Woo hoo witchy woman she got  the moon in her eye   
She held me spellbound in the night   
Dancing shadows and firelight   
Crazy laughter in another room   
And she drove herself to madness with a silver spoon   
Woo hoo witchy woman, see how high she flies   
Woo hoo witchy woman, she got the moon in her eye   
Well I know you want a lover  
Let me tell your brother  
She's been sleeping in the Devil's bed  
And there's some rumors going 'round   
Someone's underground   
She can rock you in the nighttime   
'Til your skin turns red   
Woo hoo witchy woman, see how high she flies  
Woo hoo witchy woman, she got the moon in her eye Chapter 7:  More Vile-ations 

            "Okay, I need Beaters over there with Blaise and Leo, Chasers with Nimue, Anthony, and Breggon, and Keepers with Miranda."

            Draco, the Slytherin Quidditch captain, was heading up the trials for Slytherin, assisted by Professor Snape.

            Vile was trying out, though she had no plans whatsoever to play Quidditch.  She was bound and determined to bring Squeedlyspooch (American street Quidditch) to Hogwarts.  She marched over to the Chasers area, Stardust Menace in hand, with a very Slytherin grin on her face.

            "Okay," said Nimue, when all the hopeful Chasers were gathered.  "My name is Nimue Maligant, this is Anthony Locke, and that is Breggon Nox.  Anthony and I both graduated last year, and are back to assist with the trials, to ensure a Slytherin victory this year.  Breggon is the remaining Chaser.  Now, how many of you have heard of the Muggle game, HORSE?"

            A few tentatively raised their hands.

            "Well, albeit we Slytherins do not take kindly to Muggle ideas, we will be somewhat playing a game of HORSE on our broomsticks.  You will each line up and take turns shooting the Quaffle into the goal at different angles.  If you are at a good position for rebound, then do so.  Each time you miss, you gain a letter.  If you get all five letters, then you are out of the game, and automatically not on the team.  To make the team, you must not get further than O."

            Nimue paused to catch her breath before continuing.

            "Now, line up and shoot."

            Vile stood behind a dark-haired fifth year girl, bored out of her mind.  Juliet Monroe gained an H, as did Mikhail Laramie.  When Vile's turn came, she flew expertly to the first position and shot the Quaffle towards the hoop.  It, of course, sailed right through.

            The game continued until only Angelus Camden, Vile, and Phoebe Pelennor were left.  Phoebe was down to an O, while Vile and Angelus had yet to gain any letters.

            They backed away to what would be the three-point line on a basketball court and took their shots.  

            Phoebe missed and cursed profusely.  Angelus missed as well, but, as it was only an H, he was safe.  Again, Vile's shot was perfect.

            Nimue halted the game, as Phoebe was out of the running, and two were left with less than an O, enough to make the team.

            They flew to the ground where the other Chaser wannabes were waiting with Nimue, Breggon, and Anthony.

            "Welcome to the team, Camden, Malfoy.  You are both very talented, especially you, Vile.  Go see the Captain."

            Vile sauntered over to her cousin, trademark smirk in place, flanked by the sandy-haired fifth year.  

            "Hey Vile, knew you'd make the team." 

            Draco then turned to Vile's companion and asked, "Camden, isn't it?"

            Angelus nodded and Draco continued.

            "Practices are three to five Tuesdays, Thursdays, and on weekends.  Be there, even if you're on your deathbed.  No excuses."

            By that time, the rest of the team members were gathered.  It seemed that all of the previous year's former players had come to help.

            The team was strong, and would win the Quidditch Cup easily… that is, if they were playing Quidditch.  Vile made a mental not to speak with the Headmaster about Squeedlyspooch and other such important matters.

            Later that evening, the Imps were gathered behind the portrait of Wallace the Wimpy.

            "Okay, I have a wicked idea," said Hermione, grinning.

            "Well, spill," replied Harry, excitedly.

            "Okay, well ere was this *really* popular, funny song a few years back, titled 'No Sex in the Champagne Room' by an American Muggle comedian.  Anyway, I changed it up a bit to 'No Sex in the Potions Room.'  Now, it does say something about Snuffles, but as his name hasn't been cleared yet…"

            Harry nodded understandingly and Hermione went on.

            "Well, there is a potion that we can put together, and if we sing this song as we are brewing it, the person who consumes it will sing it without being able to stop themselves.  I say we give it to McGonagall, as she and Snape are rivals, and she is the least likely person to sing this song."

            Vile giggled and grabbed the parchment from Hermione that had the revised lyrics written on it.

            "Oh, this is so squared away!  How long will the potion take to brew?"

            "Well, if we start now, it should be ready in time for dinner tomorrow night.  Harry, you'll need to slip into the kitchens in your cloak to sneak the potion into McGonagall's goblet," Hermione said, pulling a shrunken cauldron packed with shrunken ingredients from her robes.

            She waved her wand and restored it to its original size.  Everyone began to sing the song as she commenced brewing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

THE NEXT EVENING AT DINNER…

            "Harry, did you do it?"

            Harry nodded and motioned towards the staff table.  Professor McGonagall had lifted her pumpkin juice to her lips and was taking a long drink.

            Several seconds passed as the Imps anxiously awaited results, before the Transfigurations Professor stood atop the table, clearing her throat.

            The students and other Professors looked on in surprise, as she began to speak, her voice enhanced by a Sonorus charm.

            "Ladies and gentlemen of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I have just one piece of advice for you:  No matter what Professor Snape tells you, there is NO SEX in the Potions room.  NONE!"

            The occupants of the Great Hall burst into gales of laughter at this revelation from the strict Head of Gryffindor house.  McGonagall strolled to the other end of the table, continuing her announcement.

            "Oh, there's POTIONS in the Potions room.

            But you don't want Potions.

            You want SEX!

            And there's NO SEX in the Potions room!

            Don't go to Knockturn Alley without a Dark Mark.

            Sure, you may feel safe inside,

            But what about all those Death Eaters waitin' outside with Dark Marks?

            They know you ain't got one!

            If a witch tells you she's twenty, and looks sixteen—she's twelve.

            If she tells you she's twenty-six, and looks twenty-six—she's damn near one-hundred-twenty!

            Take off that silly ass hat!

            You-Know-Who couldn't have possibly committed all those crimes…

            Sirius Black did SOME of dat shit!

            Young Slytherins, if you go to the Leaky Cauldron,

            And someone steps on your Gladrags,

            LET IT SLIIIIDE…

            Why spend the next twenty years in Azkaban,

            'Cos someone smudged your DRESS ROBE?

            BUTTERBEER…

            Ain't nuttin' wrong wit' that!"

            No matter what you think of what I'm sayin'

            Remember this one thing…

            There is NO SEX in the Potions room.

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            Ohh… no sex in the Potions room…

            There's absolutely, positively,

            NO SEX in the Potions room…

            If a Lockhart has a funny story,

            He hasn't had his memory back that long.

            A REAL Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor is too JADED to be funny.

            If a witch send you a valentine,

            She'll probably suck your DICK!

            If a wizard sends you a valentine,

            He'll probably suck your DICK!

            Here's a PREDICTION for everyone:

            Hufflepuff—YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

            Ravenclaw—YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

            Hufflepuff—YOU'RE GONNA DIE TWICE!

            Gryffindor—YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

            Slytherin—YOU'RE GONNA DIE FUCKIN'!

            No one goes to The Three Broomsticks for butterbeer…

            If you've been dating a Slytherin for four months,

            And you haven't met any Death Eaters…

            You are NOT his girlfriend!

            Some of the things I said may not apply to you.

            Some of the things I said may offend you.

            But no matter who you are,

            You MUST REMEMBER this ONE thing:

            No matter what Professor Snape says…

            There is NO SEX in the Potions room!

            NONE!

            No sex in the Potions room…

            I said, no sex in the Potions room…

            No, no sex in the Potions room…

            No sex in the Potions room…

            Ain't gettin' none, can't have none… noo…

            In the Potions room… ahh ahh…

            There's absolutely, positively no sex in the Potions room.

            Say noo… noo… say noooo… there ain't no sex…

            In the Potions room… no… no…"

            Professor McGonagall suddenly broke out of her reverie, realized what she had done, and ran out of the Great Hall, white as a sheet.

            Professor Snape stood up, radiating with fury, and screamed, "POTTER!  He's behind this!"

            Dumbledore, with an amused glint in his clear blue eyes, said, "Now, now Severus… we don't have any proof that Mr. Potter was behind this, nor do we have any evidence to point us in the right direction.  Besides, I found it rather amusing, if I do say so myself."

            Snape turned to the Headmaster, waving his hands like mad, trying to find the corrects words to express his rage, before throwing his hands up in frustration and storming out of the hall.

            "Well, that was fun," said Vile.  "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to speak to Professor Dumbledore about something."

            She got up from the Gryffindor table, as all the Imps had been sitting together, and made her way to the staff table.

            "Professor Dumbledore, may I have a word with you?"

            The old man looked up and said, "Why, of course Miss Malfoy.  What is on your mind?"

            "Well, I thought that, in light of the war being fought outside the castle walls, the school could use a little livening up."

            Dumbledore nodded in agreement and replied, "Yes, I have been thinking the same thing myself.  Tell me, what exactly do you have in mind?"

            Vile plopped down in Professor McGonagall's vacant chair and said, "Well, first of all, instead of playing Quidditch, I feel it would be interesting to change things up a bit by playing Squeedlyspooch… American street Quidditch… this year."

            "Yes, I have seen that played before on a visit to my tenth cousin over in the States.  It is quite entertaining."

            Vile nodded and continued.

            "Also, I think it would greatly benefit the students and Professors to put on a musical.  Say, Moulin Rouge, Chicago, Rocky Horror Picture Show, or something of the sort."

            Dumbledore almost giggled with glee at the prospect of doing Rocky Horror, as Vile raised an eyebrow and listed the last of the Vile-ations.

            "I also think it would lift everyone's spirits considerably to hold a Yule Ball.  Of course, I would want to head up decorations, entertainment, etc.  I have already discussed all this with the Head Boy and Girl, and they are both most intrigued.  If I think of anything else, I will let you know."

            Dumbledore nodded and said, "I believe this can all be arranged.  Okay, Squeedlyspooch, Rocky Horror, and Yule Ball… Got it!"

            Vile grinned in triumph and went to the portrait of Wallace the Wimpy for an after-prank meeting with the Imps.

**A/N:  **Hehe…  Okay, big announcements.  My computer went ape shit earlier.  I did what I could with it, but there's no telling how long the bitch is going to last.  (Can you tell I'm pissed off at it?  Cuz I am!)  I also switched email addresses, and will now be using GoddessofRequiem@aol.com.  If you want to be added to the Updates mailing list, please leave your email address in your review.  COOKIE TIME!

_witchypoo:  Thanks!  I will, as long as everyone keeps reading.  =^_^=_

_SycoCallie:  Hmmm sounds like your fox demon needs punishment…= ^_~=  Haha that's great… It's ok, this fic is rated R, so explicit porn talk is more than welcome!  Thanks, hope you enjoy this chapter too.  =^_^=_

_congerking:  Yeah he does.  =^_^=  Why do ask, do you want to see hot animal sex or something?  Is there something about two furry animals getting it on that makes you hot?  =^_~=_

_Caytin Lowe:  Yes, yes, hold your horses girl!  They'll be gaying around soon enough!  But Draco isn't going to just seduce him all sudden-like and stuff cuz that would be so un-squared away!_

_Angeldx14:  YOU ROCK PRINCESS ANNA!  EVERYONE GO READ PRINCESS ANNA'S STUFF, NOW!  (As soon as you leave a review…)  Thanks girl, keep reading.  =^_^=  Love ya, QUEEN ALEXA!_


	9. Love Potion No 9

**A/N:  **Be warned, this contains some slashy smut.  The lemon is pretty vague and undetailed though.  The theme song is "Feelin' Love" by Paula Cole.

**Disclaimer:**  What's mine is still mine and what's not is still JKR's.

Feelin' Love, by Paula Cole 

You make me feel like a sticky pistil   
Leaning into her stamen  
You make me feel like Mr. Sunshine himself  
You make me feel like splendor in the grass where we're rolling   
Damn skippy baby   
You make me feel like the Amazon's running between my thighs  
  
You make me feel love   
  
You make me feel like a candy apple all red and horny   
You make me feel like I want to be dumb blonde   
In a centerfold, the girl next door  
And I would open the door and I'd be all wet   
With my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt   
That I'm wearing and you would open the door   
And tie me up to the bed  
  
You make me feel love   
  
Lover, I don't know who I am   
Am I Barry White?   
Am I hot inside?   
What would I place with your hot conscious   
Oh baby babe babe babe   
I will be your death the moon light   
Take your time   
  
You make me feel love

Chapter 8:  Love Potion No. 9 

            "I hope everyone knows the rules of safe sex, for I do believe that you will need them," said Snape, grinning gleefully at the class of Gryffindor and Slytherin seventh years.  "Well, what are you waiting for, you insolent brats?  Drink up!"

            The students looked warily at each other and tentatively lifted their goblets full of a smoky, sickeningly pink liquid.  Even Neville hadn't messed this one up.

            No sooner than they had ingested the potion, they were overtaken with a driving need for sex, sex, and more sex.

            Vile slowly turned to Harry and said, "SWEET MERLIN, Harry, you look so hot!  I… I want you to fuck me with a spoon!"

            Harry answered by glomping her.

            "I guess I should have told you all that the name of this particular love potion is the Draught of Ardor… or Love Potion No. 9," giggled Snape.

            The students were too busy drooling over one another to hear his admission.

            BAM!

Everyone looked up after hearing their Professor slam a copy of _Moste Potente Potions_ on his desk.

"You are excused from classes for the rest of the day so that you can be free to hump like fluffy bunnies."

Within five seconds, the classroom was empty.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

BEHIND THE PORTRAIT OF WALLACE THE WIMPY…

            "Draco, I want you now!  Please take me, now!" breathed Ron.

            "But," protested Draco.  I'm an uke!"

            Ron looked up in horror at the Slytherin and cried, "But I am too!"

            Suddenly, Vile walked in the room with Harry.

            "It doesn't matter who's top and who's bottom when you've taken the Draught of Ardor.  You just wanna get some.  So will y'all please get freaky already?!?"

            Ron and Draco stared pointedly at Vile and Harry.

            "Oh yeah… we should leave.  Come on Harry.  Let's go to the kitchens.  There's lots of spoons there."

            "Yes ma'am!  Yehaw!"

            "No, Harry.  It's 'yeehaw.'  And you can't do it.  You're not from Texas OR the South, or even America."

            Harry pouted and closed the portrait behind them.         

            "Well, now that they're gone, who gets to be on the bottom?" asked Draco.

            "ME!"

            "NO, ME!"

            "ME!"

            "Let's play Rock, Paper, Scissors," suggested Draco.

            "What?"

            "It's a Muggle game.  You hit your palm with your fist twice and on the third time, you either make a fist for rock, open hand for paper, or hold out two fingers for scissors.  Paper covers rock, rock smashes scissors, and scissors cut paper.  Whoever wins the most out of three gets to be bottom," explained Draco.

            "You're on," smirked Ron.

            And so, the game commenced.

            "HAHA!  I win!  LOSER!" exclaimed Ron.

            Draco growled and began again.

            "Oh, but *I* win this time.  Paper covers rock," purred Draco.

            "This game sucks!" Ron shouted as they went for the last time.

            "HA!  I win again!  Rock smashes scissors!" giggled Draco.

            "Bitch!"

            "Damn straight!"

            Ron tackled Draco to the floor, ripping at his clothes.  Once Draco's were gone, he tore his own away.

            Ron crashed his mouth down on Draco's in a bruising kiss.

            "This is no time for formalities, Weasley!  I want you to fuck me now!"

            "OH SHIT!  We don't have any lube!  Guess you'll have to take it dry…"

            "Bullshit!  Are you a wizard or not?" as Draco, pointing his wand… no, his wooden one… no… the one *separate* from his body… at Ron's erection.  "LUBRICACIO!"

            Ron's shaft was immediately slick and wet.

            "Now, Weasley… will you PLEASE penetrate me!  I'm dying here!"

            Ron grinned and complied, not worrying about being gentle.

            Draco loved the initial pain, reveled in it.  The seduction and making love blah blah blah could wait until *after* the potion had worn off.  For now, he just needed a good fuck.

            Meanwhile, Ron was arguing with himself inside his mind.  Practical Ron was chiding him for giving into the potion's effects and letting Malfoy lure him to the… floor, while Horny Ron was telling the other Ron to shut the hell up.  The poor redhead was beginning to feel a bit neurotic.

            Soon, both boys had finished with as much force as they had started.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Later that evening, the students reluctantly went to dinner.

            "I hope you seventh years enjoyed your afternoon," chuckled Dumbledore, with a twinkle in his eye.  "If need be, you may sleep in one another's dorms.  Who knows, you could have giant orgies!"

            The students looked quite shocked that the Headmaster had suggested this.

            "Yes, I am a randy old goat," confirmed Dumbledore.  "Speaking of, we will be holding auditions for The Rocky Horror Picture Show in one week's time."

            Chatter filled the hall and Vile turned to Harry.  (He was sitting with her at the Slytherin table, for the sexual pull was too strong to allow them to be separated for long.)  

            "After dinner, bring all the girls in your house that are in fourth year and above to the Quidditch pitch."

            "Why?" asked Harry.

            "Duh, you're getting cheerleaders.  I already picked Hufflepuff's, Ravenclaw's, and Slytherin's.  I hope you've been training your team in Squeedlyspooch…"

            Harry nodded and said, "By the way… your place, or mine?  I've always wanted to say that…"

            Vile giggled and replied, "Neither.  We're gonna go to the Astronomy Tower.  You can have group sex some other time."

            Harry smiled and went to the Gryffindor table to gather the girls, while Vile went to the pitch.

            Vile paced, looking the girls Harry had brought her up and down, sizing them up.

            "Okay, Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown, Hermione Granger, Natalie McDonald, Virginia Weasley, Cara Riley, Madalyn Monroe, Cassandra Richards, Guinevere Jordan, Brenna Gallagher, Vivienne Lake, and Atalanta Spinnet, over here.  The rest of you may go.  Now, can any of you do a cartwheel?"

            Everyone except Natalie, Brenna, and Madalyn raised their hands.

            "Okay, Monroe, McDonald, and Gallagher, you may leave."

            The three girls huffed and left.

            "The rest of you, show me what you got."

            The nine remaining girls went into a succession of flips, tumbles, and jumps.

            "Riley and Richards, you're outta here.  Okay we've got seven left, and I'm keeping the five with the loudest voices.  So when I call on you, I want you to scream Harry's name at the top of your lungs.  Jordan."

            Guinevere Jordan opened her mouth wide and "HARRY!" echoed throughout the grounds.

            "Weasley."

            Ginny had been anticipating the moment when she would be screaming Harry's name, and as such, her voice beat that of Guinevere.

            "Spinnet."

            Atalanta's voice, however, was barely audible.

            "Patil."

            Parvati was loud, as were Lavender and Hermione.  Vivienne Lake, however, was only a bit louder that Atalanta Spinnet.

            "Okay, Weasley, Patil, Jordan, Brown, and Granger, you're Gryffindor's cheerleaders.  Granger, Jordan, tame that hair.  I've got plenty of Sleakeasy's and spells that I can use, so there's no excuse for leaving it like that.  Tomorrow I want you to bring me your oldest clothes and I will transfigure them into uniforms for you.  Oh and Ginny is the team captain.  She will be organizing practices, etc.  You may go."

            The girls rushed into the castle, chattering excitedly.  (Well, except for Hermione.  She wasn't quite sure how she felt about being a cheerleader.)  Vile grabbed Harry's hand and they raced to the Astronomy Tower, trying to fight down a fit of giggles.

**A/N:  **Don't worry, Harry and Vile are only together until the potion wears off.  Hehe… next chapter will have Snape and Lupin getting jealous, and the Rocky Horror auditions!  Oh, and Ron and Draco aren't completely together.  He's gonna be a prat after the potion wears off for a little while.  COOKIE TIME!          

Angelxd14:  Well I've got your new email address this time, so hopefully you won't miss this one.  LOL, thanks!  Love ya, you rock!  ~Queen Alexa Caytin Lowe:  Well that's already taken care of… 

_chimerical:  Sorry, had to get a bit of Vile/Remus in there.  But I put some R/D stuff in this chappy, just for you!  (And Caytin…)_

_SycoCallie:  LOL… And yes, as Dumbledore tells everyone, he is a "randy old goat."  Oh GODS I do not want to imagine Dumbledore that scantily clad, lol… now, Snape on the other hand… I wouldn't mind.  However, it's unfortunately only going to be a cast of students._


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